Congratulations Melbourne, we’ve out-sausaged the world. Let doggy Utopia reign

Over the past few years, dog ownership in the Melbourne CBD has increased by a staggering 36 per cent. And although I just made that statistic up, you can agree that this is a significant number. We’re certainly seeing the aftermath of the pandemic-puppy blitz: poodles are exhausted from having to breed with every other type of dog; skivvy sales have tripled to accommodate the booming adopted greyhound population; and Johnston Street Vet has splashed out on a fancy LED sign to rival Times Square – all thanks to the influx of cashed-up cavoodles.

The increasing number of dogs isn’t going to stop, drop and roll over anytime soon either. In 2020, the rental laws in Victoria changed to allow tenants to have pets without landlord approval. The only caveat being that the landlord has 14 days to request a VCAT tribunal, where they can contest a pet on the property. So far, nearly all rulings have gone to the dogs… literally. One such case involved a landlord arguing that they have allergies, they don’t want the property damage, and they would be inclined to take out a bigger insurance plan. The tribunal responded with: “get it cleaned before you move back in”, “that’s what deposits are for” and “boo hoo”, respectively. So now that the political powers-that-be have changed this legislation (or some would say “fixed” it), town planners need to prioritise the rapidly increasing dog population by building more dog parks for inner-city residents that aren’t a six-day hike away.

Melburnians really are proving themselves to be quite the dog lovers. We recently set the world record for the largest dog walk for a single breed. More than 1500 dachshunds tippy-tapped through Elwood last month, meaning that we out-sausaged the previous record holders in the UK. When we have a larger horde of short-legged critters than the quaintest country in Europe, it’s clear we need to make a few changes to our infrastructure. Letting dogs drive trams is not a realistic solution, but it’s nice to imagine a utopia.

This isn’t just about convenience, by the way. There are some legitimate safety concerns such as a possible uptick in pet-related misfortunes. Just this year, Chilli the Staffy was bitten by a snake at Albert Park Lake and had to be rushed to the vet for an anti-venom. This could have been prevented if there were a dedicated fenced-off area, instead of the free-range approach. In this particular case, we either need to demand more off-lead dog parks, or more on-lead snakes.

Carlton Gardens is an off-leash area. Well, not legally. That’s just how people treat it. In only an hour of strolling through the park I counted four dogs off leads — which is fortunate because that’s as high as I can count to. (I only have an arts degree). So, either the local council needs to employ a crack team of specialist park rangers kitted out in night-vision goggles and dog whistles to patrol the gardens 24/7 to dole out fines ... or they could just, you know, put up a fence. It will also make it safer for kids in the park nearby and other dogs that way too. Why not make it easy for dog owners to follow the rules, instead of tempting them with a much better time if they break them?

I emailed the City of Melbourne about having a fenced area for dogs to roam within safely. The response was that it was previously discussed in a meeting, but they had decided no.

Why? They allow tennis courts in Carlton Gardens and tennis players are arguably more volatile than canines. You’ve never seen a corgi throw a tennis racket, have you? No. Because they’re good people.